DIARY OF RHODA NOBLE. (Afterwards Mrs. Bidwell, of Paxton.) DEAR READERS,—I have had put into my hand the following experience and diary, by members of the family to which the writer belonged, with a desire that it might be brought before the public. I feel great pleasure in giving it a place in The Little Gleaner, believing that I number amongst my readers many who will be able to sympathize with the sorrows and joys of the young Christian who here records, in simple yet forcible language, the varied dealings of God with her soul. My dear readers, there is something exceedingly solemn, as well as deeply interesting, in reading the experience of a child of God. May each of my readers bear in mind that they must have an experimental religion for themselves, or perish in their sins; for what is an experience but partaking of the new birth, being brought to repentance, being blessed with faith in Jesus, and passing through the struggles and triumphs of a soldier of the cross? And these things must be known, or all the knowledge you may possess, and all the duties you may perform, will leave you still in your sins, unfit to live to God's praise, and unprepared to die into God's presence. Dear readers, my heart longs that this record of God's dealings with one converted in early life may he blessed to you all. I now at once introduce the writer's own record : Having of late been impressed with a conviction of the expediency of taking down written memorials of special mercies, I shall from this time forward endeavour to do it. My reasons for it are these: first, the remembrance of mercies will lead me to extol the goodness of God; secondly, I would always have them before me as delightful incitements to duty; thirdly, such a remembrance may lead me to trust in God in seasons of doubt and darkness; fourthly, it may ever show me the wickedness of yielding to despondency. Oh, may the record of the gracious dealings of God be the means of leading and quickening me to be faithful unto death, that I may receive the crown of life! I lived in a state of awful distance from the Lord the first eighteen years of my life, according to the course of this world "minding earthly things," and living" without God in the world." The Lord was pleased in measure to open my blind eyes by means of the preaching of Mr. H at the old meeting-house, St. Neots, where I was gradually led to see the necessity of religion, and could no longer rest securely in my former thoughtless condition. I then made long prayers in a formal way, and examined myself by the Ten Commandments. Not having the least sight of the spirituality of God's law, I soon became as proud as a Pharisee, thinking myself better than others. "No strength of nature can suffice I at length became dissatisfied with my own fancied attainments by reading the experience of some good people, for I could see that they were tried, while I had lived at ease. I then thought if I could weep day and night for a little while, I should be a Christian indeed. Little did I then think that repentance Iwas daily and life-long work. I soon understood Newton's verse : "I would, but can't repent, This stony heart can ne'er relent I I was further instructed by a sermon from these words, "I see another law in my members warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members." I then saw that I had this law, so that I could not do the things that I would, for when I would do good evil was present with me. I saw, too, that by the deeds of the law I could not be justified, for I could see imperfections in all I did, so that I could not satisfy one sin with another, for I committed sin enough in one duty to send me to hell. I then plainly saw that, if ever I was saved, it must be by grace, free grace, alone. I no longer needed a long form of prayer. I began to cry from the heart. The prayer that best suited me was, "God be merciful to me a sinner." I then became troubled at the thoughts of election. thought if the Lord had purposed to save me before the foundation of the world, I should never praise Him enough, which led me to say, "If I am to be saved, O Lord, let me know." I was, too, tempted to the awful wish that if I were not one of God's elect, He would strike me dead immediately, for I thought the longer I lived the worse I was, and the more dreadful my situation would be in another world; for if my name were not written in the Lamb's book of life, it would be better for me to die than to live to provoke the Lord longer; for I thought if I must not enjoy the presence of the Lord in this world; I did not want to enjoy anything else. I trust, notwithstanding all my ignorance and sin, "the Lord alone did lead me," for I was led on by a sermon from these words, "The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, 66 and the violent take it by force." I then became frequent and fervent at the throne of grace, till at length I could say, Prayer makes the darkened cloud withdraw," for I had some hopes from these words, "I see men as trees walking," for I could see a little into my own sinfulness, which made me hate it, and a little into the goodness of the Lord, which made me desire to serve Him above all things. I then began to say— "Wilt Thou not crown at length The work Thou hast begun; After this the Lord was pleased to reveal His Son to me in His all-sufficiency and suitableness-to me, a needy sinner, which left me hardly room to doubt, for then, though of myself I could neither repent nor amend, I could look unto Him who is "exalted to give repentance and remission of sins." Though I could see my own vileness, I trust I could by faith see Jesus as made unto me "wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption." One day, after hearing a sermon, I being enabled to follow the preacher step by step, so that I could see more of my sinfulness and more of my interest in Christ, which led me to thank Him for this unspeakable gift, these words came powerfully into my mind, "Flesh and blood hath not revealed these things unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven." This much encouraged me. I trust the Lord has done great things for me, whereof I am glad. I was astonished to think that I should be called when others were left. I could not help saying, "Why me, Lord! Why is this grace given to me!” "Why was I made to hear Thy voice, While thousands make a wretched choice, And rather starve than come?" Oh, that I may be more and more established in the great truths of the Gospel, and see more daily the need of fleeing to Christ alone for refuge, for "New supplies each hour I need While pressing on to God." Oh, praise the Lord, for He is good, and doeth good, and His tender mercies reach unto the children of men. Cause, O Lord, Thy goodness to pass before me, that I may see that the Lord is good, and have His loving-kindness always before mine eyes: "For He bath regarded the lowliness of His handmaiden, and His mercy is on them that fear Him throughout all generations." For Jesus says, "Him that cometh unto me I will in nowise cast out." By this I am persuaded that God is no respecter of persons. He that believeth shall be saved. As God hath made no exception among those who come to Jesus, why should I except myself? True, no tongue can tell how vile I have been, for in me there is a bending to backslide from the living God. My heart is "deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked." Unto me belongeth confusion of face, because I have sinned against the Lord my Maker; but shall I then despair, when I have been brought to Jesus, and so add to all my other sins the worst sin of all, unbelief? God forbid. "O Lord, correct me, but with judgment; not in Thine anger, lest Thou bring me to nothing." "Search me, O God, and know my thoughts; and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Take away mine iniquity, receive 66 |