Joh. 24. People answered, God forbid that we should forfake the Verse 16. LORD to ferve other gods.- And Jothua faid unto the Verse 19. People, Ye cannot ferve the LORD; for he is an holy God. Verle 21.And the People faid unto Jofhua, Nay, but we will ferve the LORD. Jer. 4. No fooner was I come to Land, and fix'd at Rotterdam, but I verified what had been foretold. I forgot all my Promifes and Refolutions. The unrenew'd and corrupt Heart, being free from the Force put upon it, by the natural Confcience under Appearance of Hazard, took its old Course. I return'd to former Evils and grew worse: Corruption, that had been damm'd in for a little, having eafily forc'd down all thefe Mounds. raised to hold it in, run with the greater Violence. It is true, through the Mercy of GOD I was ftill reftrain'd from open and fcandalous Sins, Toward which the Aw of my godly and prudent Mother, and Principles of Education did contribute not a little: But as to fecret Evils of all Sorts I had no Averfion to them: Nay, to many of them I was ftrongly inclin'd, and in many Inftances followed my own Inclinations. I was a ready and eafie Prey to every Temptation, notwithftanding all my Engagements: And thou faidft, Iwill not tranfgrefs, 2. 20. when upon every high Hill, and under every green Tree thou wandredft, playing the harlot On 5. My Sins, in this Place, had this grievous Aggravation, That they were againft greater Light,and more of the Means of Grace than I had formerly enjoyed. the LORD's Day we had three Sermons, and two Lectures in the Scots Church, on Thursday a Sermon there likewife. On Tuesday one of the suffering Minifters by Turns preach'd. There was a meeting for Prayer On Wednesday. On Munday and Fryday's Night Mr. James Kirkton commonly lectured in his Family. On Saturday he catechized the Children of the Scots Sufferers who came to him. My Mother took Care to have me attend moft of these Occafions, was careful to keep me to Duty, was not wanting in Advice, Correction, Prayer with and for me, the obliged me to read the Scriptures and other edifying Books. But fo far were all thefe from obtaining a due Effect on me, that I was weary of i Ifa. 5. 4. them, and went on in Sin: What could have been done more more (viz. in Point of outward Means) to my Vineyard, that I have not done? Wherefore when I looked that it should have brought forth Grapes, brought it forth wild Grapes? Ye faid alfo, (viz. of the LORD's Service) What a Weariness is in it, and ye have fnuffed at it, faith the LORD Mal.1.13, of Hofts and ye brought that which was torn, and the lame, and the fick; thus ye have brought an Offering: fhould I accept this of your hand? faith the LORD. ai 6. At this Time I wanted not frequent Convictions, at occafioned fometimes by the preaching of the Word, and at other Seasons by the Light of my Education, f which ftill hung about me, and was a Check upon me: But all these were only like the Starts of a fleeping Man, occafion'd by fome fudden Noife; up he gets, but preinfently he is down, and fafter aileep than before. I Afound Means to get rid of these Convictions. 1. I would, when they were uneafie, promise them a Hearing afterwards. And as Paul reasoned of Righteousness, Temperance, Acts 241 and Judgment to come, Felix trembled, and answered, Go thy way, and when I have a convenient Seafon, I will call 25+ for thee. 2. At other Seasons, I looked to the Tendency of them, that they aim'd at engaging me to be holy, and then I por'd upon the Difficulties of that Course, till I not only got the Edge of my Convictions blunted, but frighted my self from a Compliance: The Sluggard faith, Prov. 22, There is a Lion in the way, and I fhall be flain in the Streets. 3. When Convictions were lighter, I got rid of them by withdrawing from the Means. If any Man be a Jam. r. Hearer of the Word and not a Doer, he is like unto a Man 23, 24. 1 beholding his natural Face in a Glafs: for he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of Man he was. 4. Sometimes I promifed them fair, and so put them off not afterwards. And the Time, but minded it 13. e faid to the fecond likewife, and Mat. 21. he answered, I go, fir, and went not. Soul of the Sluggard defireth, and hath nothing. The Defire Prov. 13. of the flothful killeth him for his Hands refufe to labour. 4, 21, 25, 6. At other Times when they were troublesom, [ turn'd mine Eye to fomething which I thought good, in my Way, though, the LORDknows, little was there = that had fo much as any tolerable Appearance of God B 2 Yer Luke 18. 10, 12. Yet fo foolish was I, that I refted here, as if this had been not only enough to attone for bygones, but procure Good at GOD's Hand. Two Men went up into the Temple to pray, the one a Pharifee, the other a Publican. The Pharifee food and prayed with himself, God I thank thee, that I am not as other Men, Extortioners, Unjust, Adulterers, or even as this Publican, &c. 7. Sometimes I endeavoured to diminish my Sin as much as I could, Hof.12.8. In all my Labours they fhall find no Iniquity in me, that were Sin. 8. When thefe Shifts failed, and they were fill uneafie, I then betook my felf to Diverfions, and they chok'd the Word and Convictions from it: And Luk.8.14. that which fell among Thorns are they, which when they have heard, go forth, and are choked with Cares, and Riches, and Pleafures of this Life, and bring no Fruit to Perfection. 7. About this Time, I met with fome Things that croffed me. Hereon I turned thoughtful, what Way to rid my felf of thefe Difficulties. I feemed more than ordinary concerned, and my Spirit was much troubled ; yet, really this Strait led me not to GOD But my Thoughts were spent in Refentments against the real, or fuppofed Authors of my Uneafinefs, in proud, felfifh and vain Contrivances for mine own Eafe and Relief: The Wicked, through the Pride of his Countenance, will not feek after God God is not in all his Thoughts. They cry out by Reafon of the Arm of the Mighty: But none faith, Where is God my Maker, who giveth Songs in the Night And thou didst look in that Day to the Armour of the Houfe of the Forreft, &c. But ye have not looked unto the Maker I thereof, neither had Respect to him that fashioned it long ago. t 8. About the Month of December 1686, upon the E earneft Defire of my Father's Sifter, married to John Glaß Provost of Perth, I was fent Home. While I a ftayed in this Family, I faw nothing of Religion, though to my Aunt was a Woman very Moral. Here I was much m indulged. I got Liberty, and I took it. I faw little of u the Worship of GOD, and I eafily complied, and turned f remils too. What further Advances toward an open a Rejection of the very Form of Religion, I made in this Place, do not now, at this Diftance, diftinctly re member: member: But no Doubt they were great. This I do remember, That I found my Averfion to these Sins, which through the Influence of Education I abominated. before, fenfibly weakned. Yea, I found fome fecret Hankering after fome of them, a Delight in them who were guilty, and a Sort of Approbation of them in my Heart. Yet ftill I was, in a great Meafure, reftrained from an avowed practical Compliance, by the awful Impreffions, early Inftruction had left on my Mind, f which were not as yet wholly worn off; tho' far were they decayed, confidering the Shortness of my Stay. Whence I may eafily discern what had become of them, if I had ftayed longer here. Further I mind, That at this Time, I had a great Averfion to Learning, which was the only good Thing that in this Place was urged upon me. I looked on it as a Burden, and Drudgery, st to which the bafeft Imployments were to be preferr'd, and hence I no Way fet my Heart to it; but trifled my Time away. And many a finful Shift did I betake my felf to, that I might get the Time fhuffled over. Thus I Pl. 50. 17. ut! hated Inftruction and cast God's Words behind my Back. Pfal. 5o. When thou faweft a Thief, then thou confentedt with him, 18, 21. fell and haft been Partaker with Adulterers. Thefe Things haft ethou done, and I kept Silence, thou thoughtest that I was altogether fuch a one as thy felf. e Vay bla was Prov. 29. Ro. 1. 30. 1 9. Thus I fpent the Winter. In the Spring 1687, oni tut ade But thou 2 Tim.3.3. faidft, There is no Hope. No, for I have loved Strangers, Jer. 2. 25. and after them I will go. 10. In the Spring, or towards Summer, my Mother carried me with her, much againft my Will: And put Luke 18. 10, 12. Yet fo foolish was I, that I refted here, as if this had been not only enough to attone for bygones, but procure Good at GOD's Hand. Two Men went up into the Temple to pray, the one a Pharifee, the other a Publican. The Pharifee flood and prayed with himself, God I thank thee, that I am not as other Men, Extortioners, Unjuft, Adulterers, or even as this Publican, &c. 7. Sometimes 1 endeavoured to diminish my Sin as much as I could, Hof.12.8. In all my Labours they fhall find no Iniquity in me, that were Sin. 8. When thefe Shifts failed, and they were fill uneafie, I then betook my felf to Diverfions, and they chok'd the Word and Convictions from it: And Luk.8.14. that n that which fell among Thorns are they, which when they have heard, go forth, and are choked with Cares, and Riches, and Pleafures of this Life, and bring no Fruit to Perfection. 7. About this Time, I met with fome Things that croffed me. Hereon I turned thoughtful, what Way to rid my felf of thefe Difficulties. I feemed more than ordinary concerned, and my it was much troubled ; | yet, really this Strait led me not to GOD. But my Thoughts were fpent in Refentments againft the real, or fuppofed Authors of my Uneafinefs, in proud, feifith and vain Contrivances for mine own Eafe and Relief: The Wicked, through the Pride of his Countenance, will not feek after God: God is not in all his Thoughts. They cry out by Reafon of the Arm of the Mighty: But none faith, Where is God my Maker, who giveth Songs in the Night, And thou didst look in that Day to the Armour of the Houfe of the Forreft, &c. But ye have not looked unto the Maker thereof, neither had Refpect to him that fashioned it long. ago. 8. About the Month of December 1686, upon the earneft Defire of my Father's Sifter, married to John Glaß Provoft of Perth, I was fent Home. While I ftayed in this Family, I faw nothing of Religion, though my Aunt was a Woman very Moral. Here I was much indulged. I got Liberty, and I took it. I faw little of the Worthip of GOD, and I eafily complied, and turned remifs too. What further Advances toward an open Rejection of the very Form of Religion, I made in this Place,I do not now, at this Diftance, diftinctly re member: |