member: But no Doubt they were great. This I do remember, That I found my Averfion to thefe Sins, which through the Influence of Education I abominated before, fenfibly weakned. Yea, I found fome fecret Hankering after fome of them, a Delight in them who were guilty, and a Sort of Approbation of them in my Heart. Yet ftill I was, in a great Meafure, reftrained from an avowed practical Compliance, by the awful Impreffions, early Inftruction had left on my Mind, which were not as yet wholly worn off; tho' far were they decayed, confidering the Shortness of my Stay. Whence I may eafily discern what had become of them, if I had ftayed longer here. Further I mind, That at this Time, I had a great Averfion to Learning, which was the only good Thing that in this Place was urged upon me. I looked on it as a Burden, and Drudgery, to which the bafeft Imployments were to be preferr'd," and hence I no Way fet my Heart to it; but trifled my Time away. And many a finful Shift did I betake my felf to, that I might get the Time fhuffled over. Thus I Pl. 50. 17. hated Inftruction and cast Words behind my Back. Pfal. 50. When thou faweft a Thief, then thou confentedft with him, 18, 21. and haft been Partaker with Adulterers. Thefe Things haft thou done, and I kept Silence, thou thoughted that I was altogether fuch a one as thy felf. Prov. 29. 15. 9. Thus I spent the Winter. In the Spring 1687, my Mother fearing that I might be infnared with the Company I was now amongft, came Home for me, as minding the wife Man's Obfervation, The Rod and Reproof give Wisdom: But a Child left to himself bringeth his Mother to Shame. But fo great was my Wickedness, Ro. 1. 30.. that in Spight of natural Affection, I was grieved at her 2 Tim.3.3. Return, and When firft I heard her Voice, it danip'd me, I cared not to fee her. Nothing I difliked more, than a godly and affectionate Mother's Converse. I fear'd to be queftioned as to Bygones. I fear'd fhe would carry me away back to Holland, whereby I would be put under uneafie Reftraints from my finful Liberty.. But thou faidft, There is no Hope. No, for I have loved Strangers, Jer. z. 25. and after them I will go. 10. In the Spring, or towards Summer, my Mother carried me with her, much againft my Will: And put me to School there at Erafmus's School. I ftayed but short While there. But the advantagious Method of Teaching took with me, I began to delight in Learning, and quickly turned proud of my Succefs. But otherwife, lived as I had done before, ftill worse and worse, under all the Means GOD made ufe of to bring me near, and keep me clofs to him. As the Girdle cleaveth to the Loins Jer,13.11. of a Man; fo have I caufed to cleave unto me, the whole Houfe of Ifrael, and the whole House of Fudah; that they might be unto me for a People, and for a Name, and for a Praife, and for a Glory: But they would not hear. CHAP. 11. Containing an Account of the Revival of Convictions, their 1. TN the Month of February 1687, King James emit- 2. Prefently upon our Settlement in this Place, I was entered to School; and made fome better Proficiency than before. But as to Religion, I continued as inconcerned as ever, as intent upon Sin, as averfe to Dury as formerly. However I carried under my Mother's Eye, when I was among my Comerads I took my Liberty, and went with them into all the Follies and Extrava Extravagancies they went into, but with this Aggravation above moft of them, That what I did, I knew to be a Fault very often, whereas they, at leaft many of then, did not. Yea, not only went I along with them, but was foremoft, and enticed others to Folly. Yet fill through the Mercy of GOD kept from openly fcandalous Evils, fave once, that I mind, with fome other Boys I was feized in a Garden, taking fome Fruit. Whereof I was much afhamed, and never attempted the like again, not from any real Diflike of the Sin, but Fears of a Difcovery. And thus I continued till toward the Clofe of King James his Reign, when Fears of a Maffacre or some sudden Stroke from the Papifts, whereof there was then a great Noile every where, revived my Concern abour Religion. But when he flew them, then they fought him And they returned and enquired early after God. And they remembred Plalm 78. that God was their Rock, and the high God their 34, 35. Redeemer. 3. This Concern being fome deeper, and the Effects of it more remarkable and lafting, I fhall endeavour a diftinct Account of it. About this Time, the LORD by the Means I lived under, the preaching of the Word, catechizing in Publick and Private, enlightned my Mind further in the notional Knowledge of the Law and Gofpel. My Capacity growing with my Years, and Knowledge of what was Sin and what was Duty, and what the fearful Confequences of Sin were, and the Advantage of Duty, increafing; Sin was left open and naked without the Excufe of Ignorance, and Confcience had a further Advantage, being arm'd with more Knowledge and better inform'd; hereon its Checks, when now by the LORD's Providences it was in fome Measure awakned, were more frequent, and fharp, and not fo eafily to be evaded: If I had not come and spoken to them, they had had no fin, but now they have no cloke for their fin. 4. Some Touches of Sickness riveted on me the Impreffions of Mortality and Frailty, and the Tendency of each of thofe numerous Train of Difcafes, to which we are daily expos'd, to Death: Hereon I was brought into Jo. 15.22. Heb.2.15. into and kept under continual Bondage through Fears of Death. Ifa.33.14. Pfal.13.2: 5. But that which above all affected me moft deeply, and gave an Edge to Convictions, was the continua] Fears we were in of being fuddenly deftroy'd by the Papifts: This kept Death in its moft terrible Shape, ever in mine Eyes and Thoughts: And to my great Terror, I faw Wrath and Judgment following it. The finners in Zion are afraid, fearfulness hath furprized the hypocrites: who amongst us shall dwell with devouring five? who amongst us fhall dwell with everlasting burnings? 36. Herein I was caft into grievous Difquietnient, I took counfel in my Soul, having forrow in my Heart daily. I was in a dreadful Strait betwixt two. On the one Hand, my Convictions of Sin were fharp, Fears of prefent Death and Judgment quickned them, this made me attend more to the Word; the more I attended to it, they increas'd the more; and I was daily perfwaded, more and more that there was no Way to be rid of them, but by turning religious. On the other Hand, if I fhould engage in earnest with Religion, then I faw the Hazard of fuffering for it, and wift not but I might be cah'd immediately to die for it; and this I could not think of doing: Betwixt the two I was dreadfully tof fed in my own Mind; fome Nights Sleep went from mine Eyes, and I was full of Trouble. I fet Imaginati on a work, and did fometimes ftrongly imprefs my felf with the Fancy of an Irish Cut-throat holding a Dagger to my Breaft, and offering me thefe Terms, Quit your Religion, turn Papift, and you fhall live: Hold it, and you are dead. The Imagination was fometimes fo ftrong, that I have fainted almoft with it, and ftill I was dreadfully unrefolved what to do': Sometimes I would let him give the fatal Stroke. But hereon my Spirits fhrunk, and my Heart fail'd at the Apprehenfions of Death: At other Times I refolv'd to quit my Religion, but with Refolution to take it up again when the Danger was over: But here I could get no Reft. What, thought I, if the treacherous Enemy deftroy me after I have done it, and fo I lofe both Life and Religion? and what if I die before the Danger is over, and fo Time be not allow'd me to repent? Ephraim is as a filly dove without a Heart; they call to Egypt and they go to Hof: 7:11. Ahas to digue This Sort of Exercife frequently recurr'd, and I eontinued this Way at Times, ever till after the Battel of Gillechrankie, which was fought July 27th, 1689: It had fome Interruptions, and then I was remifs as before, but for near a Year, few Weeks, and frequently few Days or Nights paffed over me without fome fuch Exercife: But the Fears of the Papifts being quickly over, my remaining Difficulty was only with my Convictions. Now as to thefe I endeavoured to relieve my felf, 1. By Promiifes of abftaining from those Sins which moft directly crofs'd my Light, and for which I was moft plainly challeng'd. And Pharaoh called for Ex: 9:28 - Mofes and Aaron, and faid, Intreat the LORD for me, and I will let the People go. 2. I took Sanctuary in Refolutions of enquiring into the LORD's Mind, and complying. But when I confulted any practical Book, or the Miniftery of the Word, and found them not give fuch Directions as agreed with my unrenewed Heart, I was grieved and ftuck there: And behold, one Mat: 19. faid unto me to him, and him, Good Mafter, what good 16, 21, thing fhall I do that I may have eternal Life. 22. Fefus faid unto him, 'If thou wilt be perfect, go and fell that thou haft, and give to the Poor, and thou shalt have Treafure in Heaven and come and follow me. But when the young Man heard that Saying, he went away forrowful: for he had great Poffeffions. 3. I thought to find Peace in a more careful Attendance upon Duties: Thus be ing ignorant of GOD's Righteoufnefs, and going about to Rom: 10: establish mine own Righteousness, I fubmitted not my self unto the Righteoufness of God,nor fhewed 1-any Regard to Chrift, who is the end of the Law for Righteoufnefs, to every one that believeth. Das 3:4 8. Though my foolish Heart run to thofe Courfes, yet really they afforded no folid Repole; for, 1. The firft Sin againft Light, and the firft Omiffion of Duty, which very fpeedily enfued upon the Intermiffion of the Force that prefent Convictions put on me, thook all. And I was confounded at the Thoughts of appearing before God in a Righteoufness fo plainly ragged, that fai: 64:6. where it had one Piece, wanted two. 2, Though thefe |