Matth: 7: 27. Confider Heb: 10: thefe Ways gave fome Eafe where Trials were at a Dif tance; yet when the Thoughts of Death came near, I found not Quiet here: This was not Gold tried in the Fire, nor would it abide fo much as a near-hand View of a Trial: But at the very Appearance of a Storm, this fandy Foundation fhook. 3. Whenever Convicti2, 3. ons were awakened as to new Sins, Challenges for old Where ones recurr'd, which fhew'd that the Cure was not per Confcience fect. Behold all ye that kindle a Fire, that compaß your of Sin re- felves about with Sparks: Walk in the Light of your Fire, mains after and in the Sparks that ye have kindled : This fhall ye have the Ufe of of mine Hand, ye shall ly down in Sorrow. Means, it argues their werable to 9. The Effects of this Exercise that abode and increas'd afterwards, were principally thefe Three, 1. Hereby I was brought into a Doubt about the Truths of ReWeaknefs, ligion, the Being of a God and things eternal: This Ifa: 50:11. Hefitation was not from any Arguments that offered themfelves againft these Truths; or from any Sufpicion of Minifters, Parents, or others from whom I had received them. But meerly from this, That whenever in Danger or Straits, I would build on them, a Sufpicion fecretly haunted me, What if the Things are not? Whence I was brought to think, That I had not Certainty and Evidence about them the Weight that was to be laid on them. I thought Death, and the Trouble attending it, certain and fenfible Things: But I could not get my Mind fo fatiffi'd, and fully affur'd about the Truths of Religion. Still when under Apprehenfions of Death, I would. have taken Reft upon the Truths of Religion, the Perfwafions fail'd me, and my Mind begun to waver; Pro: 4:19 though I could give no Reafon of this. The way of the Wicked is as Darkness: they know not at what they ftumble. 2. I was hereby perfwaded, and this Perfwafion ever after increas'd in Strength, that I could never have 3. Peace till I came to another Sort of Evidence and Certainty about the Truths of Religion, than I was yet acquainted withall: Death I faw inevitable, it might be very fudden, I was capable of being imprefs'd with the Fore-thoughts of it, and could not banish them. Therefore concluded I, Unless I obtain fuch a Con viction of Religion, and fuch an Intereft in it, as will make . make me not only look at Death without Fear, but go through it with Comfort, better for me I had never been: But how or where this was to be obtain'd, I was utterly uncertain. Here I lay in great Perplexity under the II: 55: 24 melancholly Impreffions that I had hitherto spent my Money for that which is not Bread, and my Labour for that which profiteth not. 3. This Perplexity was fomewhat eas'd, while one Day or other reading in the Clofe of the fulfilling of the Scriptures, how Mr. Robert Bruce was fhaken about the Being of a GOD, and how at length he came to the fulleft Satisfaction; hereby a Hope fecretly fprung up, That one Time or other, in one Way or other the like might befal me, and that the LORD might fatisfie me in this. Here was the Dawning of a Light that though long it did not fully clear up, yet was never put wholly out again; though it was far from fatisfying, yet it kept from Defpair as to the Iffue: And he took the blind Man by the Hand Mark 8, and led him out of the Town; and when he had fpit on his 23. Eyes, and put his Hands on him, he asked him if he faw ought. And he looked up and faid, I fee Men as Trees walking: But all this notwithstanding, the Vail till re- 2 Cor: 3 mained untaken away. oo. About this Time, one Mr. Donaldson a reverend Minifter, preached at Perth, and came to vifit my Mother; called for me, and among other Queftions, he asked me, If I fought a Blefling on my Learning. To which I ingenuously anfwered, No. He replied with an auftere Look, Sirrah, unfanctified Learning has done much Mifchief to the Kirk of God. This Saying ftuck with me ever after, and left a deep Impreffion on me; fo that whenever I was any Way ftraitned, I applied to GOD by Prayer for Help in my Learning, and Pardon for not feeking his Bleffing. But this was only when more than ordinarly difficulted. 14, 15. But as to the Main, all this Exercife left me where I was before, afar off from GOD, and an Enemy to him Col; 1:21, in my Mind, which I evidenced by wicked Works, CHAP 18, CHAP. III. Giving an Account of the Increase of my Convictions, dur- Y Mother defigning to have me well educated, 2. While I abode here, the LORD gave not over Rom: 7:7 Pl: 50:21. of Sins that formerly noticed. Thefe Things thou bat done, and I kept Silence: Thou thoughteft I was fuch an one as thy felf: But I will reprove thee, and fet thy Sins in Order before thee. zdly, By new Afflictions, the Impreffions of my Mortality were riveted, and I I was ftill the further in Bondage through the growing Heb: 2:15. Fears of Death. 3dly, The Word being daily preached, and daily meeting with me, forced me, tho' unwilling, to make fome Inquiry into my Sincerity in Religion, which I now made fome Profeffion of. A clofs Word, will, at length, length, even bring a Judas to fay, Mafter, Is it I. Mat: 26. 4ly, By the Means of Grace, Herod-like, to fave fome 20, 21,22, Bofom-idols, engaged me, to do many Things, and hear 23. the Word gladly. Mark 6. 3dly, The Means whereby thefe Effects were wrought 20. were, f, The preaching of the Word. By the two-edg- Rév:1:16. ed Sword that goes out of his Mouth, the LORD did oft wound me, and the Secrets of my Heart were made ma- 1 Cor: 14: nifeft. I found the Word a Difcerner of the Thoughts of 25. the Heart and its Intents. 2. The LORD made Ufe of Heb:4:12. the Rod. He laid his hand on me. When I was well and in Health, the Word did not affect fo much, nor did I attend to it fo carefully. I fpake unto thee in thy Jer:22:21 Profperity, and thou wouldeft not hear: This bath been thy Manner from thy Youth, that thou of the LORD.In their Affliction they will feek me Hof: 5:15. • obeyedft not the Voice early. If they be bound in Fetters, and be holden in kords Job 36: 8, of Affliction: Then he fheweth unto them their Work, and 9. 4ly, By thefe Means I was driven fometimes to great Extremity, and carried the Length of a Form of Religion. I prayed not only Evening and Morning, but at fome other Times retired, and would weep plentifully in fecret, and read, and pray, and refolve to live otherwife than I had done. But this Goodness was as the Hof: 6: 4 Morning Cloud, and early Dew. It kept Pace with my Convictions. It was Force, not Nature; and this Strictnefs lafted no longer than the Force that occafion'd it did. And Joafh did that which was Right in the Sight of the LORD, all the Days of Fehoiada the Prieft. Fehoiada waxed old and died. Now after the Death 2 Chr:24 of Fehoiada, came the Princes of Judah, and made Obeifance 17, 18. to the King And the King hearkned unto them. And See also they left the House of the LORD GOD of their Fathers, 41. and ferved Groves and Idots. But sly, While I was under thefe Diftreffes, many a wick. ed Shift did I betake my felf unto for Relief, though without Effect. When Ephraim faw his Sickness, and Fu- Hofs: 13, dab dah faw his Wound, then went Ephraim to the Affyrian, and Jent unto King Fareb, yet could he not heal you, not cure. you of your Wound. When fearching Marks were offered from the Word, which tended to difcover my Naughtiness, or when I read them in Books, 1ft, If any Thing was spoken or mentioned, that did in Appearance make for me, then I greedily gripped to that: For I was very unwilling to fee my own Hypocrifie; and therefore, if I had but a Shew to found my Claim, I laid hold on what was offered, like the young Man, when Chrift fpoke of keeping the Commandments, he anfwered, being unacquainted with the fpiritual Extent of Mat: 19: the Law, All thefe Things have I kept from my Youth, what lack Iyet? So faid I. 2dly, When I found fomewhat required that I neither had, nor refolved to comply with, because perhaps it was, on fome Account or other, dear, then I refolved to compound the Matter, and make Amends fome other Way, and beg a Licence for that, like Naaman, Thy Servant will henceforth offer neither Burnt-offering, nor Sacrifice unto other gods, but unto the LORD. In this Thing the LORD pardon thy Servant, that when my Matter goeth into the House of Rimmon to worship there, and he leaneth on my Hand, and Ibow my felf down in the Houfe of Rimmon. 3dly, When any Mark was offered, that I could not fhift, nor pretend unto, then I was ready to queftion, whether he that offered it were not miftaken, and fecretly queftioned Gen: 3:1, the Truth, following the Measures Satan took with Eve; 20. 2 Kings 5: #7, 18. John 10: 24. . Yea, hath GOD faid, Ye shall not eat of every Tree of the Garden. And again, Ye shall not furely die. 4ly, When I could not fee, not through the Want of fufficient Light, but through my Unwillingness to admit it, I was ready to quarrel that Minifters and Books did not tell me plainly. Then came the Jews round about him, and faid unto him, How long doft thou make us to doubt. If thou be the CHRIST, tell us plainly. Fefus answered them, I told you, and ye believed not. 5ly, Sometimes when I was gravelled with a Mark, I promised it a Acts 24 Hearing at a more convenient Seafon, and fo like Felix, fhifted the Trouble for the Time. 6ly, Sometimes I would flip over thefe Things that made againft me. He that doth evil, cometh not to the Light, because his Deeds 25. Acts 17: 32. are |