are evil, left they should be reproved. 7ly, I carefully John 3. fought for the loweft Marks, and the leaft Degrees of 20. Grace that might be faving. I defigned only as much Religion as would take

me to Heaven; and therefore I ftill enquired with the young Man, 'What good Thing afball I do that I may inherit eternal Life? I defired no Mat, 19] ore than would do this, ferve this Turn ; and any 16: Fmore Thing that would ferve this, provided my beloved Lufts were fpared, I would with him refolve upon. 8ly, -b When none of these Shifts would avail in the general, I would refolve upon doing any Thing that the LORD required, like him that faid, Mafter, I will follow thee Luke 9 whitherfoever thou goeft. But then with him, I ftill 57, 58 retracted when the LORD, as he oft did, did tell me of Particulars he would try me in, which were cross to my Inclination. 9ly, When I faw I behooved to quit thefe, of which the LORD oft convinced me, then I begged a little Refpite or Delay, and I would comply; Auguftia-like, I was content to be holy, but not yet. Luke 9. And another also faid, LORD, I will follow thee, but let 61, 62. me first go bid them farewell which are at home at my house. And JESUS faid, No Man having put his Hand to the Plough and looking back, is fit for the Kingdom of God. An Excufe, a Delay, in GOD's Account, is a plain Refufal: For all Commands and Invitations require prefent Obedience: Now is the accepted Time. Now is the Day of Salvation. And to day if ye will hear his Voice: bar- 2 Cor. 6 den not your Hearts. Ioly, After all Ways were tried, Heb. 3.15. I found no Relief. I blamed my Education. I knew there was fome Change, my Queftion was, Whether it were the right one: Now, thought I, if I had not been religiously educated, but had turned all at once, it would have been more eafily difcernible. Thus I was intangled in my own Ways. We wait for Light, but behold Ifai. 59.9, Obfcurity; for Brightness, but we walk in Darkness. We 10. grope for the Wall like the Blind, and we grope, as if we had no eyes: we stumble at Noon day as in the Night, we are in defolate Places as dead Men And the true Reafon of my Strait was, I was fcorning, and not really defirous of Light, unless it had been to my Mind. They P. 8 know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in Pro. 14. Darkness. The fcorner feeketh Wisdom, and findeth it not.

Many

2.

Many other Deceits and Shifts my Heart ufed, which now at fo great a Diftance I I cannot remember. But these are the Principal which do occur upon Reflecti Jer: 17:9. on; and in them how evident is it, That the Heart is deceitful above all Things, and defperately wicked. Who knows, or can know it.

3.

6ly, Though now I feemed fometimes to have gone far, yet really I was wholly wrong; For, ift, All this While being convinced of the Neceflity of a RighRom. 10: teoufnefs, but ignorant of Chrift, I fought it by the Works of the Law. zly, The carnal Mind is Enmity against the Law of God, ftill continued. 3ly, All my Exercife was only a Toffiag betwixt arried it; Light and Love to Sin: And Sin ftill my Bofom-idols I would by no Means part with. Self was the animating Principle of any Form of Religion that I had. So much of it, as would fave me from 'Hell, or take me to Heaven, and no more I defired. 5ly, All this Religion came and went with the Occafions mentioned. It was not abiding.

Rom 8:7. GOD, and is not fubject to

Dan: 3 28, 29.

Num: 23:

II.

2:

for

4ly,

7ly, Providentially about this Time, Clark's Martyrology was caft in to my Hand. I loved Hiftory, and read it greedily. And fome Impreffions it left on me, that wanted not their own Ufe now and afterwards: 1st, The Patience, Joy, and Courage of the Martyrs, perfwaded me that there was a Power, a Reality in Religion, beyond the Power of meer Nature. 2dly, I was convinced, that I was a Stranger as yet to this, because, I could not think of fuffering. 3dly, I was brought to fome faint Defires after Acquaintance with this Power of Religion. Then Nebuchadnezzar fpake, and faid, Blessed be the GOD of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. There is no other God that can deliver after this fort. Oft was I in reading this Book, at Balaam's Wifh, Let me die the death of the Righteous, and let my last End be like his. But like him, I loved not their Life.

1

t

1

D

e

a

Ce

to

th

8ly, I obferve, that at this Time, ft, GOD reftrained me from many Follies others run into, and I was much inclined to, by my bodily Infirmity, a Trouble in my Joints, which made me unable to go. Thus he hedg-leHol: z: 6. ed in my Way, That I fhould not find my Lovers. 2dly, f The Lord in Mercy provided me Comerads, that were

tender

tender of me, and took Care of me. He fed me, and led me, though I knew him not. 3ly, So far was I from Hof: 2: 8. being thankful, that my proud Heart fretted, that I was Ilai: 45: 5. kept from these Things others followed. I would have Jer: 2:17. been at rejoicing in my Strength; and vex'd I was, that I had that Occafion of glorying cut off. And I was not thankful either for the LORD's cutting off by this Means many Occafions of Sin; nor for his Mercy in providing Perfons to take Care of me. O what Reafon have I to lay, The LORD is good to the unthankful and Luke 6:

evil.

CHA P. IV.

Containing an Account of the Progrefs of the LORD's Work, the Straits I was reduced to, and the Courfes I took for Relief, from May 1693, when I left Edinburgh, till I went to the Family of Wemyfs, Auguft 1696.

T

35.

HE Air agreeing neither with my Mother nor me, fhe was advised, and at length refolved to leave Edinburgh, and go to St. Andrews, a Place more wholefom, and more convenient for my Education, to which the always had a fpecial Regard.. Here I cannot but obferve the remarkable Kindness of the LORD in guiding me, though then I took no Notice of it. I am the LORD, and there is none else, there is no God befide me: I girded thee, though thou haft not Ilai: 45:5. known me. ft, At a Time when my Heart inclined me moft to Folly, and by my entring to the College, I was expofed to many Temptations to it, the LORD feafonably laid his Hand on me, and tryfted me with Trouble, that was a Mean to reftrain me, and keep me from contracting any Intimacy with thofe, whofe Converse might have proved prejudicial to me, and to engage me to choose fober Comerads. Thou shalt alfo confider in Deut: 8:5. thine Heart, that as a Man chaneth his Son, fo the LORD thy God. chaftneth thee. Again, zly, This Indifpofition, during -lege, being only in my Joints, did not hinder, but further my Studies; and the LORD provided one who, Studies and u though a Stranger, and under no fpecial Obligations,

the firft two Months of my Stay at the Col

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yer

was

yet attended me as clofe as he had been my Servant, and was as tender of me as if he had been my Brother. During this Time,I made a greater Proficiency in the Latine Tongue, than ever I had formerly done; the Regent I was under being very fkilful in teaching it, and attending very carefully. After this Time he fell ill, and not capable to attend; and I fell ill, and was thereby obliged to remove to St. Andrews, which much en was my Advantage. For I came under the Care of Mr. Thomas Taylor, a Man very capable, and very careful of and kind to me. And the Clafs I left was broke quite, the Regent continuing indifpofed that Year, and falling next Year into a Frenzy. Thus the LORD chased me from Place to Place for my Good, and every where proDeut: 32, vided me Friends. He found him in a defert Land, and in the wafte and howling Wilderness: he led him about and inftructed him, he kept him as the Apple of his Eye. But God's Kindness in guiding to Places for my Good, and keeping from Inconveniences, Snares and Dangers, into which others fell, had no Effect on, nor were they Jer. 2.6,7. noticed by me. Neither faid they, Where is the LORD that brought us up out of the Land of Egypt, that led us through the Wilderness, through a Land of Deferts, and of Pits, through a Land of Drought, and of the Shadow of Death. And I brought you into a plentiful Country, to eat the Fruit thereof, and the Goodness; but when ye entred, ye defiled my Land, and made mine Heritage an Abomination.

10.

Ezek: 20.

v. 6, 8, 9.

2ly, When 1 fettled at St. Andrews, the LORD left not his Work, and Striving with me. But the fame foveraign Grace that begun, went on with it. —Į lifted up my Hand unto them, to bring them out of the Land of Egypt. But they rebelled against me, and would not hearken unto me. Then faid I, I will pour out my fury Ezek: 36. upon thee. But I wrought for my Name's Sake. Not for your Sakes do I this, faith the LORD GOD, be it known unto you: be ashamed and confounded for your Ways, O Houfe of Ifrael.

32.

3ly, Here the LORD caft my Lot under choice Means of Grace, the Ministery of worthy Mr. Thomas Forrefter; under this fearching Miniftery, the LORD begun to give me fome fmall Difcoveries of the more

fecret

fecret and fpiritual Evils of my Heart, and carried me

into the fecret Chambers of Imagery, to let me fee what my, Ezek: 8: Heart did in the Dark. 1ft,He opened mine Eyes to difcern 12. fomewhat of that World of Pride that is in the Heart, and the Wickednels of it. Though I was fomeway convinced of my own Weaknefs, when I had any Difficulty more than ordinary before me, and would feek Help from GOD yet when I got through, I valued my felf upon my Acquittance. Of the Wickedness and Unjuftnefs of this, the LORD in fome Measure convinced me; What haft thou, O Man, that thou haft not received? And if thou haft received, wherefore doft thou 7.

boaft? zly, He convinced me of the Wickedness of the

I Cor: 4:

Straying of my Heart after Idols, especially in the Time Ezek: 11: of Worship: But as for them whofe Heart walketh after the 21. "Heart of their deteftable Things, and their Abominations, I

will recompenfe there ways upon their own heads, faith the Ezek: 14: LORD GOD. For every one of the Houfe of Ifrael, or of 4, 7. the Stranger,which fetteth up his Idols in his Heart, and putteth the Stumbling-block of his Iniquity before his

Face, and cometh to a prophet to enquire of him concerning Deut: 32: me, I the LORD will answer him by my felf. I was made 46.

to fee, in fome Meafure, the Danger of offering fuch

Duties to him, who requireth us to fet our Hearts to Eccl: 5:1. what he fpeaks, and to keep our foot when we come to the

A

Houfe of GOD. 3ly, I was likewife made to fee fomewhat of my trufting to my Duties, and refting on the bare Performance, inafmuch as I was not for moft Part challenged for unfuitable Performance, but for the intire Omiffion of them,and with the Pharifee, I thought it enough, if I could fay, That I did the Duty. But. now the Lord let m me fee, that more was required, Luke 18. though with him I could fay, I faft twice a Week. The 12. LORD convinced that he might anfwer, When ye faft- Zech 7:5. ed, did ye at all faft unto me, even to me?

4, Thefe when added to former Discoveries of Guilt, gave me frequently much Difturbance, and caft me into racking Perplexity and Difquietment; but the Darknefs and Enmity of my Mind remaining, I ftill had Recourse to wicked and vain Courses for Peace, fuch as these formerly mentioned; but they afforded me little Quiet. Pharaoh-like I engag'd to amend thofe Things

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