Deut: 5: v: 23, 28. Luke 9: 57. Things wherein formerly I had faill'd; but with him I quickly broke, when the Force that drave to this was over. At laft finding no Peace in any of thefe Courfes, I refolved to enter into folemn Covenant with the LORD; and accordingly I wrote and fubfcrib'd a folemn Covenant, whereby I bound my felf to be for GOD, like Ifrael when under the awful Impreffions of Sinai, and the dreadful Appearance of GOD there; I faid, All that the LORD our God fhall fay unto us, we will bear and do it: And like the Scribe that came to CHRIST, Mafter, I will follow thee whitherfoever thou goeft. sly, When I had once done this, then I concluded all was right; for, 1. I found a Sort of a prefent Peace. Amendment I thought fufficient Attonement, and fuch Engagement I looked on as Pro: 7.14. I have Peace-offerings with Performance. I now faid, Cor: 14: 25. Heb: 6: 5. Mat: 13 20. I Jer: 2:35. 36 37 this Day have I paid Vows. 2. I at this Time found frequently an unufual Sweetnels in hearing the Word; efpecially in hearing Mr. Forrester lecture on Acts 13; 43. on the Sabbathnight. Here as I received fometimes the moft piercing Convictions, fo I received Tastes of the good Word of God, and the Powers of the World to come. Thus like the ftony Ground, I heard the Word, and anon with Foy received it. 3. Common Gifts increafing as Light grew, I took them for fpecial Grace, and thus have taken up, with the foolish Virgins, the Lamp of a Profeflion without oil. I began to fet up for a Virgin too, and liking fuch, I began to be efteemed by fome of them for that which really I was not, but only appear'd to be. 6ly, But the merciful and good God would not fuffer me to reft here. Yet thou fayeft, Because I am innocent, furely his Anger fhall turn from me. Behold I will plead with thee, because thou fayeft, I have not finned. Why gaddeft thou about fo much to change thy way? Thou alfo fhalt be afham'd of Egypt, as thou wat afham'd of Aẞyria. Yea, thou fbalt go forth from him, and thine Hands upon thine Head for the Lord hath rejected thy Confidences, and thou shalt not profper in them. The LORD quickly let me fee my Miftake; for, 1. The imaginary Peace that I had by making this Covenant, was quickly loft by breaking it. Corruption retaining ftill its Power, its Judg 16: Locks not being yet cut, when ever a Temptation of fered; like Sampon upon a Cry of the Philistines being on on him, it broke all those Ties, with which I foolishly, 338 16. and Num: 11. 34. ht Children of Ifrael at Sinai, I engaged fairly, and here- Deut: S a in thought all right; but when I came to Kibroth- #27, &c. hattaavah, which was the next Station in their Way compared through the Wilderness, and a Temptation fell in my with Num. Way, I felt a Murmuring, lothing the Manna, and lufting after Flefh, and this broke all. The LORD's, Wrath hereon being afresh intimated againft me,asit was againft them on that Occafion. 2. Not only upon fuch Breaches met I with new Challenges, but old ones en were reviv'd; and by this I found former Accompts ftill to be standing againft me, which fill'd me with Cónfufion and Jealoufies of thefe Ways. For though thou Jer: 2: 221 wash thee with Nitre, and take thee much Sope, yet thine Iniquitie is marked before me, faith the LORD. 3. The LORD infinuated fome Discoveries of the Treachery of my Engagements; let me fee how my Heart was not found, and how there were fecret Referves in my Engagements for fome Sins from which my Heart was not Time divorced; though yet I remember, that at the " 29. I made thofe Engagements, when my Heart put in for fparing thefe, my Light forc'd me,as it were for the prefent, though not without Reluctancy, to give them up, at leaft in Words; but really I did not do it. Now the LORD gave fome Intimations of this Heart-treachery, which when further discovered by the Event, my Covenant could not quiet me about: They have well Deute şi Spoken all that they have faid. O that there were fuck a heart in them. 4. The LORD fet loofe fome Corruptions like the Canaanites to try me, took off the Reftraints, and then like Waters damm'd in, they became more violent and troublefome and at length bore down all that I had fet in their Way By thefe Means the LORD let me fee the Fruitlefnefs and Vanity of this Covenant, which however fpecious like, was indeed but a Covenant t with Death And by the Difcovery I was put into the utmoft Confufion, while the Evil, Í I thought I was provided againft, came upon me: From the Time that it goeth forth it fhall take you for Morning Ilai: 28: by Morning fhall it pass over, by Day and by Night, and it 19, 20. hall be a Vexation only to understand the Report. For the Bed is fhorter, than that a Man can stretch himself on it: 20: 25. and the Covering narrower, than that he can wrap himself in it. This I found verified to my fad Experience. 7ly, Notwithstanding the felt Vanity of these legal, felfith, antievangelical Courfes, 1 ftill cleaved to them: For, 1. The Peace I loft by breaking, I ftill endeavoured to recover by renewing my Covenant, trufting to a Heart that had often deceived me. Thus I wearied my felf in the Greatness of my Way, and laboured in the Fire. My Heart when I was defeat gave me fuch advice as the King of Syria got from his Servants, when 1 Kings he was defeat by Ifrael; Number thee an Army like the Army thou haft loft, Horfe for Horfe, and Chariot for Chariot, and we will fight against them in the Plain, and furely we shall be ftronger than they. I laid the Blame fill on fome accidental Defect in my former Management, and I thought, were that provided againft, all would be well. 2. When ftill I found fomething wanting, I caft about in my own Mind,and contriv'd to make it up with fomething extraordinary of my own, the Multiplication of Duties, or fome fuch Thing or other. Wherewith ball I come before the LORD, and bow my felf before the high GOD? Shall I come before him with Burntofferings, with Calves of a Year old? will the LORD be pleafed with thousands of Rams, or with ten thousands of Rivers of Oil? fhall I give my Firft-born for my Tranfgreffion, the Fruit of my Body for the Sin of my Soul. Micah 6, 7. Ifai: 30 1, 2, 3. 6. 8ly, But ftill thefe vain Refuges fail'd me, and my Cafe was truly milerable while purfuing them. Wo to the rebellious Children, faith the LORD, that take Counfel, but not of me: and that cover with a Covering, but not of my Spirit, that they may add Sin to Sin: that walk to go down to Egypt, and have not asked at my Mouth, to drengthen themfelves in the Strength of Pharaoh, and to truft in the Shadow of Egypt. Therefore fball the Strength of Pharaoh be your Shame, and the Shadow of Egypt your Confufion. Now,as I was really miferable in following tnofeCourfes, fo, if the LORD of infinite Mercy had not prevented it, I had landed in one of four fad Iffues, wherein oft-times fuch Exercises and Courfes terminate; either, 1. If I had been freed, from Convictions, or the LORD had given over his friving with me, and carrying on the Work Work of Conviction; after Convictions had carried me I took, I would have laboured in the Fire all my Days, Hab: s wearied and vexed my felf for very Vanity, fpending my 13. Money for that which is not Bread, and my Labour for that Hai: 55: 2; which doth not profit; in a continual Viciffitude of Vows, Covenants, Engagements, and Refolutions, Breaches and Difquietments, Engagenients and falfe Peace, Breaches and racking Convictions would alternatively have taken Place; And thus I had spent my Days, and at Jer: 17 the End been a Fool. Or, 3. After I had wearied my 11. felf for a while in those vain Ways, 1 would have utterly given up with Religion as a vain Thing, and faid with those mentioned by the Prophet, who faid, It is Mal: 3 vain to ferve GOD; and what profit is it that we have kept 14. his Ordinances, and that we have walked mournfully before the LORD of Hofts? And fo with them I had gone over to plain Atheifm and Profanity. Or, 4. Being forced to feek Shelter from my Convictions; and being fo oft and fadly disappointed by all the Ways 1 tried, 1 had at laft landed in Defpair, like Judas, and faid, This 2 Kings Evil is of the LORD, why wait I any longer, like that 6:33. wicked King? And in very Deed I had fome Experience of all thefe Iffues. Sometimes 1 fate down with the Form, and judged I was rich and increased in Goods, and Rev: 3 food in need of nothing. Sometimes I wearied my felf 17. in running from one of thofe vain Courfes to another. 3. At other Seafons I turn'd carelefs, as finding no Profit, and was juft at throwing up all Care of Religion. And 4. very oft I was upon the very Brink of Defpair, almoft quite diftracted. gly, When I was thus difappointed, efpecially after the making, and frequent repeating of Vows and Engage ments, ! 4. گر ments, I was caft into the utmoft Perplexity to find where the Fault lay. I found this Way of covenanting with GOD, recommended by Minifters, mention'd in. the Scripture, and the People of GOD declar'd they had found the Benefit of it. I could not challenge my felf, at least at fome Times, for known Guile in the Making of it. What I engag'd to do, I was refolv'd upon at the Time. I did engage e with much Concern and Solemnity; and for fome Time after, I would have walked with much Strictnefs: But though I could not then difcern where the Blame lay, I have fince been Rom. 1o. made to fee it. 1. Being ignorant of the Righteousness of 3. GOD, Iftill went about to establish a Righteoufnefs of my own. And though in Words I renounced this, yet indeed I fought Righteoufnels & Peace,not in the LORD JESUS Rom: 10: CHRIST, who is the End of the Law for Righteoufnefs to every one that believes; but in my own Covenants and Engagements: So that I really put them in CHRIST's Rooi 2. Whatever Room I, in Words, allowed CHRIST as to Forgiveness for Bygones, yet my Peace and Hope of it for the future,and fo my Truft, was in the Evennels of my own Walk. I obtained not Righteoufnefs, because I fought it as it were by the Works of the Law. Rom: 9: This Neglect of CHRIST, and fhuffling my own Covenants and Obedience in his Room, was evident ; be caufe when ever I was challenged for Sin, in ftead of Re courfe to his Blood, I ftill fought Peace only in renewing my Vows. 3. The Confent I gave to the Law, was not from the Reconcilement of my Heart to its Holiness, but neerly, in Compliance with the Conftraint put on Rom: 8:7. me by my Convictions. But in very Deed the Enmity against it fill continued. And I would not have made it my Choice, if that had not forced me to it; fo that I fubjected not my felf to it. 4. I engaged to live a new Life with an old Heart, not being yet made to fee, that unless the Tree is made good,the Fruit cannot be good. 5. The Eye was not fingle, all I aimed at was Self, to be eafed of Convictions, and obtain Peace from thefe racking Difquietments I was under. I had not the leaft Concern for the LORD's Glory, provided I were fafe. 6. In a word, I enaged, before the LORD had throughly engaged me. We may be willing, in fome fort, be 32. Mat: 12 33. Mat: 19: 16. 6. 22. fore |