I fore the LORD have made us truly willing. The first 1 John 4. real Kindness begins on his Side, and we are never ehgag 10. ied to Love, till the LORD's Kindness do draw us. The Force of a Strait by Convictions may overpower us into Tome Pretenfions of Kindness; thus it was with me. Willing I was to be faved from Hell, and to have Heaven, under the general Notion of a good Places but not to be faved in GOD's Way, on his Terms, and. in Order to these Ends he propoles in the Salvation of Sinners. 10. This was not my only Trouble at this Time: Now I was engag'd in the Study of Metaphyficks and natural Theology, accuftomed to fubtile Notions, and tickled with them; whereupon Satan, in Conjunction with the @natural Atheism of my Heart, took Occafion to caft me into racking Difquietment about the great Truths of Religion, more efpecially the Being of a GOD. Thus, I in the Juftice of GOD, that wherein I delighted, I mean fubtile and abftract Notions, proved the Occafion of much perplexing Difficulty to me. For, r: Some Teeming Succefs in my Studies, the firft Year I engaged in the Study of Philofopy, foftered the natural Conceit we all have of our own Ability to know, and emboldned me to proceed further than was meet. So true is that of the Word, Knowledge puffeth up. 2. Hereon 1 Cor.8.1 the natural Curiofity of my vain Mind took a Liberty to enquire without Fear into Things too high, and made me promife my felf Satisfaction about them, in and by = my own Enquiries Vain Man would be wife, though he Job 11.12. is like the wild Afs's Colt. Thus he intrudes into thofe Things which he hath not feen, vainly puft up by his Col. 2. 18, = fleshly Mind. 3. And hereon fuffering a Difappointm and failing of Succefs, the natural Atheism and Enmity of my carnal Mind, that rather inclines to reject the Things of GOD, than our own Darknefs, begun when puzzled to enquire, How can thefe Things be? Thus pro- John 3.9 fefing my felf wife I became a Fool. 4. Satan that waits all Rom. 1: Advantages, finding me thus caught in the Thicket, 22. plunged me deeper by throwing in the fiery Darts of Eph.6.16. Tubtile Arguings againft the Being of a GOD; whereby all was fet on a Flame, and I fometimes caft into violent Convulfions. fr. This 11. This Exercife about the Being of GOD was much more difquieting than that formerly mentioned: Then, there was only an Unfettlednefs of Mind proceeding from the felt Want of Evidence fufficient to quiet the Mind, in that Affurance of the Truth that was ne ceffary to embolden it without Fear in all its Straits to have Recourle to, and take Reft in GOD. Now, there were contrary difquieting Arguments: Then I was only Joh.14.8. at that of the Difciples, Lord, Jhew us the Father, and it Jufficeth us. But now I was difturbed with the working Eph.6.12., of the Ruler of Darkness, and high Imaginations exalting 2 Cor. 10 themselves against God. 5: Rom. 1. 39. 12. Though the Atheism and Enmity of my Heart againft GOD, were ftill unremov'd, and great, yet the LORD fuffered me not to yield, but niade me dread and recoil at the terrible Conclufion aim'd at by thofe Arguings.For, 1.There remain'd fo much of that natural Knowledge of a Diety which GOD has made manifeft even in the Heathens, that is in their Confciences, and there was fo much of Strength added to it by the exter nal Evidence of this Truth by the Works of Creation and Providence, as made me recoil at the Thoughts of that horrible Conclufion of the Atheift, There is no God. 2. Being at the fame deeply affected with deep Appre henfions of the Shortnefs and Uncertainty of a prefent Life, I dreaded to admit the Conclufion that I faw would thake the Foundations of any Hope of Relief for the future from the other Side of Time. If the Platt.3. Foundations be deftroyed, what hath the Righteous done? 13. In this Strait, betwixt Light that would not admit of a flat Denial of the Being of a God, and Atheism enflamed and ftrengthned by Satan's fiery Darts, I be took my felf ftill to vain and felfish Courses. My Dif turbance was from Reafonings, and I thought to relieve my felf by my own Reafonings. Nothing more, did foolishly think, can be requifite to eftablish my Mind about this Truth, and for ever to quiet my Mind in 1 firm Affent to it, than to obtain demonftrative Argu ments for the Being of a GOD! Thus I thought by Jearching to find out God. And like the Pfalmift, when Job 11. 7. fhaken about the Providence of GOD, Ithought to know PL73.16. it. That is by my own Reafonings, I expected to ob tain Establishment in the Truth, and an Answer to the Objections urged against it. 14. Wherefore I ferioufly fet my felf to the Search of fuch Arguments; and I found them; but found not that Relief I expected: When I thought to know this, it Ibide was too painful for me. For, 1. The moft ftraitning and forcible of thofe Arguments proceeding upon the Abfurdity of the contrary Conclufion with great Evidence, would not allow of any Thing to be faid to the Argument, and fo extorted an Affent: But not enlightning the Mind with any fatisfying Notions and Difcoveries of the GOD, whom they obliged nie to own as exiftent, my Mind was not quieted. For in Things of any practical Influence, without fome competent Measure of Light about the Nature of Things, the Soul requiring Satisiaction, not only as to their Reality, but their Meetness to answer those practical Ufes whereabout it's concerned, cannot reft without fome Difcoveries of this: Thomas faid unto him, Lord, we know not whither thou Joh.14. goeft; and how can we know the way? 2. Thefe Arguments forced indeed fome Affent in the Time: But not diffolving contrary Objections, whenever the Light of them was removed, and contrary Objections came in View again, I was entirely fhaken, like him in Cicero, who read Plato's Arguments for the Immortality of the Soul, and faid, when I read,Iaffent, but I cannot tell how; but fo foon as I lay down the Book, all this Aßent is gone. It is Faith alone that, as the Word is, Heb. 11. 1. reproves contrary Arguings, and plants in the Soul an abiding Light, that keeps the Soul firm in its Adherence to Truth. Thus like the Philofophers of old; In the 1 Cor. 1. wifdom of God, by wisdom I knew not God. 15. Though I was thus entangled, rather than exfelfifh Shifts, yet my followed thefe Courfes. For, vain Mind ftill 21. What hitherto I had failed of, I expected I might find by fome further Progrefs in Learning; and therefore I applied my self vigorously that Way. But any little Progrefs I made, made me ftit more fenfible how far I was disappointed, and made me experience the Truth of this, that he that Eccl.1.18. increafeth knowledge, increafeth forrow. The further I proceeded I ftill found the moe Difficulties, and the lefs lefs Satisfaction. 2. When this Courfe could not avail, then I fpent my weary Hours in vain Wishes for fome Luke 16. extraordinary Difcoveries: Nay, but if one rife from the 30. dead, they will believe. 16. Though I reached not the Satisfaction I aim'd at, yet I cannot fay, but this Exercife had fome ufeful Effects. 1. It let me fee, That I had need of fome further Evidence and Eftablishment about the Truths of Religion, than hitherto I had either attained, or wift how to attain. Thus I had got fome View of it before. Now I was more confirmed of it. 2. My Mind being fometimes more quieted as to thefe Truths in hearing of the Word, than by all my Arguments, I was inclined to hope this Evidence, I wanted, might come from the LORD. 3. I was beat fomewhat from that touring Opinion of my own Knowledge and Abilities to know, that my firft feeming Succefs in Philofophy gave me, and brought to an ufeful Diffidence of my Inability to reach Satisfaction, even about natural Things, and folve Objections, that lay againft Truths, which yet upon clear Argument, I was forced to admit: Which afterwards was of confiderable Ufe to me. 17. But during this Period of Time under all these Wreftlings and Strugglings betwixt growing Light and Sin, Corruptions, as I grew in Years, grew ftronger and ftronger, took deeper Root, and received an Increase of Strength by occafional Temptations, and new Force from the weak Refiftance made to them by these Rom. vain Courfes. As the Law came nearer in its fpiritual 8, 9, 11. Meaning and Extent, Sin reviv'd, and appeared more difcernible in its Strength, and Sin taking Occafion by the Commandment wrought in me Inclinations to all Evil. Being fretted, not fubdued, it grew ftronger, till at length it flew me. 18. Under this Perplexity, I betook my felf ftill to one or other of the forementioned vain Courses Jer. 2.36. gadded about to change my way, fent to Egypt, and went to Affyria, jet could not they help me. But yet thefe Exer cifes and Perplexities had fome Intermiffions, and then Hol. 6. 4. I turned remifs and carelefs. My goodnefs like the morning cloud and early dew, foon palled away. 19. However by thefe Means I was brought to a fpecious Mal. 3 14. fpecious like Form of Religion. For now, 1. I took fome Care to avoid thofe Sins, whether fecret or open, that thwarted the Light of my Confcience moft plainly. I not only abftained from thofe Evils, to which, moft, even of the foberer Sort of Students, were frequently drawn over; but with a Sort of Refolution I kept at a Diftance from the Occafions of them. Thus I begun to escape the Pollutions of the World through the Knowledge 2 Pet. z. of the Truth. 2. I was more exact and punctual in at- 20. tending Duties, publick, private and fecret,than heretofore, and that not without fome Concern, at leaft, at fometimes as to my inward Frame in them. Thus I thought, I kept his Ordinances. 3. When I was enfnared, either into the Commiffion of Sin, or Omiflion of Duty, I was brought to a deep Sorrow: And for fome Time walked mournfully before God. 4. Whereas I always had Ibid. a Sort of awful Regard for them that feared GOD, fince ever I began to be in the leaft awakned, now I begun to have a Sort of a Liking and Kindness to them, and Pleasure in their Company and Converfe, even about Matters of Religion. Thus Light forced an Approbation of them on my Mind, and fo to give Glory to God, their Light Shining fo before me, that I could not Mat.5.16. but take Notice of them. 5. I had frequent Tastes of the good Word of God, and Powers of the World to come, which made me delight in approaching to GOD. And, Heb. C. 5. 6. I got fome Things that looked like Return of Prayer; when under a Senfe of Impotency, I betook my felf to GOD by Prayer: in any Strait I found Help fa remarkable, That I could not but take notice of it. The LORD hereby drew me gradually in to expect Good in his Way, and though I was wrong in the Main, as it were, encouraged the fainteft Beginnings of a Look toward a Return. And the Word of the LORD came to Elijah the Tihbite, faying, Seeft thou how Ahab bumbleth himfelf before me: Because he humbleth himself before me, I will not bring the Evil in his Days: but in his Son's Days I will bring the Evil upon his Houfe. 20. Now, though by thefe Means, I got a Name to live, yet really I was dead. For, 1..The natural Darknefs ftill remained uncured. Some Dawnings of Light were indeed begun, and fome Difcoveries made of what formerly I had not known, yet the Power of Darkness Kings 21. 29 |