to the LORD. 3. I fpent my Time in foolish Com plaints that difpirited me; I complained, and my Spirit was overwhelmed. 4. I was fometimes at curfing the Day of my Birth, wifhing that I had never been born, or that I had died affoon as born: Why died I not from Job 3:11 the Womb? Why did I not give up the Ghost when I came out of the Belly? 5. I wifhed often that had been in other Circumftances, and that I had been bred to the Plough, or fome fuch Imployment, and that I might have in the Defert a Cottage,a Place of wayfaring Men Jer: 9:2 where I might give my felf to continual Grief. 6. My Spirit fometimes rofe in Quarrellings againft God: I Pfal:77:3 thought on GOD and was troubled. I faid, Wherefore Job 30. do Icry, and thou doft not hear me? And frequently I 20. was not far from that, Wilt thou alway be to me as a Liar, Jer: 15 and Waters that fail?

18.

17ly, After I had thus wearied my felf, after the Edge and Violence of the Temptations above-mentioned, was by the formerly narrated Confiderations blunted, and fomewhat broke, rather than removed, and I eafed by Satan's Departure for a Seafon, I inclined to reft; and Satan hereon finding Matters prepared for an Af fault, he made fresh Attempts in another, and no lefs dfquieting Manner: When the unclean Spirit is gone out Mat: 12, of a Man, he walketh through dry Places feeking Reft and Mat: 12 finding none. Then he faith, I will return to my Houfe from 43, 44. whence I came out; and when he cometh,he findeth it empty, Swept and garnifbed. Then goeth he, and taketh with himfelf feven other Spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there and the last State of that Manis worfe than the first.

The Devil cannot be at Reft, where he hath no Mifchief to do to Men. The Devil so leaveth none, but he will be attempting to come into them again, and he or dinarly fucceedeth,where CHRIST hath not prepoffeffedthe Soul; all other Reformation proves but a fweeping and a garnishing, while the Soul is empty of CHRIST. It may be fwept from the Filth of flagitious Sins, and garnished with the Paint of Religion, or fome Habits of moral Virtue: But none of thefe will keep out the Devil. Thus I found it to my Coft. For, 1. Satan finding my Soul, after all my fad Toffings, empty, of CHRIST, returned. 2. And my Soul being like the

Pro: 24: vineyard of the Sluggard, by Sloth, defenceless, without 31.* its Stone-wall, he eafily found Opportunity to fow Tares, and while I flept, to cultivate the Thorns and Nettles, Gen: 49: which naturally grow there. 3. It was no hard Matter to perfwade one fo wearied, that Reft was good, and that there was a Lion in the Way. And, 4. Having thus Poffeffion and quiet Abode with his feven other Spirits, my own Corruptions, he quickly made my laft State Plal: 38: worse than my firft. My Enemies grew ftrong and live49 ly; my Corruptions began vigorously to exert them felves.

Pro: 22:

13.

18ly, Hereon the LORD minding his own Work brought in the Miniftry of the Word, the Law in its fpiritual Meaning nearer. And then, 1. Sin reviv'd and Rom: 7:9: I died; I found more difcernibly the Stirrings of Corb: 8: ver. ruptions. Yea, 2. Sin taking Occafion from the Commandment, and being fretted by the Light let into my Soul from the Word, it wrought in me all manner of Concupif cence. Lufts of all Sorts, Self, Sloth, Formality, &c. ftrove to maintain their own Place. 3. Hereby I was plunged in deeper Guilt; mine Iniquities went over my Plal: 38:4. head. And, 4. Hereby my Challenges were fharpVerfe 3. ned, and I found no Reft in my Bones for Sins that I had

z Pet: z: 20.

done.

19ly, Under this Diftrefs, I ftill, as formerly, fought to other Phyficians, rather than to the LORD. For, 1. Having now, by the Knowledge of the Truth, efcaped the Pollutions of the World; my Exercise was much about the more fecret Actings of Sin, and its Working in the Heart; and as to thefe, I fometimes used Extenuations and Excufes, taken from the Strength of the Temptations I lay under, and other Confiderations of that Sørt ; and fometimes this was done not without fecret Reflections on GOD. This was Adam's Way; The Woman Gen.3:12. whom thou gavest me to be with me, she gave me and I did eat. 2. Sometimes after my Engagements and Vows, and Breaches of them, when I found Confcience difturb me, I begun to enquire, Whether the Things were Sin, and endeavoured to perfwade my self, That fome which were moft disturbing were none. Thus after Vows I made Enquiry. 3. I, at laft, when all these Courses failed, again faid, I will not tranfgrefs, and made new

Pro. 20:

256

Vows and Refolutions, accompanied with Sorrow for my former Breaches, and folemnly bound my felf a

gainft my Sins, thofe that predomined: Then Pharaoh Exod. 10. called for Mofes and Aaron in haste, and faid, I have fin- 16, 17. ned against the LORD your GOD, and against you. Now therefore forgive I pray thee my Sin only this once, &c. 4. I fet apart Time for Fafting and Prayer in fecret, and November 23, 1697, On a Time fet apart for Prayer, I drew up a fhort Account of my treacherous Dealing with GOD from my Youth up, and foleninly bound my felf to GOD to walk in his Ways; and when my own Heart told me, That I could not ferve the LORD, I Taid, Nay, but I will ferve the LORD.

Joshua 24:

219

20ly, But all these proved Phyficians of no Value. For I found, r. That they were not able to keep the longer, than till a Temptation came in my Way from Sin. Whenever this appear'd, Corruption, that had been fo far from being really weakned by all thofe Inventions, that it really grew in Strength, broke down all that I had fet in its Way. Of old Time I have broken thy Yoke, and burft thy Bands, and thou faidft, I Jer: z. zo will not tranfgrefs: when upon every green Tree thou wandreft playing the Harlot. 2. I found thefe vain Ways I took to fmother Convictions, were not able to procure me Peace, but really increased my inward Difquietment, and wafted my Spirit: When I kept Silence (that is, Pal. 32.3 when I finfully endeavoured to fupprefs my Quilt and Trouble) my Bones waxed old through my roring all the day long. 3. The LORD in Mercy gave me no rest in any of thefe Inventions, but fuffered me to weary my felf in feeking my Lovers, that I might at length betake my felf to him. For fo long as I followed thefe Ways, Day and Night his Hand lay heavy upon me my Plal,zz.A Moisture was turned into the Drought of Summer.

21ly, Though hitherto I fail'd of a right Iffue, yet I was carried a great Length in Compliance with Convictions. I kept my felf from open Pollutions, I was careful in Duties of Worfhip, yea further, I was much in fecret, I receiv'd the Word with Joy, I was oft challenged for fecret Pride, Unbelief, and other Heart-fpiAitual Evils, and as to the Knowledge of them, was

con

59

confiderably enlightned. 1 fafted, prayed, mourned in fecret. 1 refolved and ftrove againft Sin, even my peculiar Sins that 1 loved beft. Thus I had with others, Rev: 3: 1. a Name to live, and took up a Form of Religion. 2 Tim. 3: zzly, Yet for all this, I was a Stranger to its Power, which the following Evidences fufficiently manifeft; for whatever Lengths 1 went, yet, 1ft, I was ftranger to the glorious and bleffed Relief, through the Impuration of the Righteousness of Chrift: Not that I had not fome Notions of this; for 1 profeffed to imbrace. it. But really 1 was in the Dark, as to its glorious Efficacy, Tendency and Defign. 1 was ignorant of the Righteoufnefs of GOD all the while. 2ly, Still in all this, the Eye was not fingle. It was only the faving of my felf, without any Eye to the LORD's Glory I Ro: 9:31. defign'd. 3ly, It was ftill by fame Righteoufnels of my own, in Whole, or Part that longh etief. Wonder Peace was unftable, that food on to weak a Foundation. 4ly, Though I was by the Force of Conviction, brought to part with my beloved Sins, or confent to their Deftruction; yet it was neither without Reluctancy, nor without fome fecret Referes It was like Pharaoh's Confent in the like Cafe, when his Servants perfwaded him of the Danger of his perfifting in his Sin. Mofes and Aaron were brought back again to Exod: 10 Pharaoh: And he faid unto them, Go, ferve the LORD

Rosto: 3 Mat: 6: 22.

1

No

your GOD: but who are they, that shall go. 5ly, My Heart was utterly averfe from Spirituality, fometimes through the Force of Convictions. 1 was indeed brought for fome Time, to aim at getting my Mind fix'd upon heavenly Things, and kept on the Thoughts of them: But my Heart being yet carnal, 1 wearied of this Bent, and of this forcible Religion. And it was Kom:87. intolerable to think of being alway Ipiritual: The car nal Mind is Enmity against GOD, is not fubject to the Law of GOD, nor can it indeed be.

40: 12.

23ly, By thefe Means I was at laft brought to an ExPl: 50:21. tremity; For, ift, My Sins were fet in order before me. Innumerable Evils compaß'd me about, mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, fo that I am not able to look up. They are moe than the Hairs upon my Head,therefore my Heart fail eth me. 2ly, They were fet in Order in the Dreadful

nefs

25

Job 6. 20.

Job 6. 4.

nefs of their Nature and Aggravations, and all Shifts, Extenuations, Pleas and Defences were rejected, and my Rom. 3 mouth flopped before GOD. 3ly, All the vain Ways I 19. had taken for my Relief baffled my Expectation, and increafed my Pain, they were the staff of a broken reed, Ila. 36: 6 they pierced my Arm, when I effayed to lean on them, and I was afhamed, and even confounded, that I had hop'd. 4y, The Wrath of GOD was dropp'd into my Soul, and the poifon of his arrows drunk up my fpirits. sly, I was as yet unfatisfi'd, as to the Truths of Religion, and mine Enemies oft told me, that even in God there was no Pfal. 3. z. fuccour for me. Yea, 6ly, At fometimes Satan, to intangle me more, affaulted all the Truths of Religion at once, and then I was dreadfully confounded, when the LORD commanded that mine Enemies fhould be round about me. And they compaffed me about like bees. 7ly, Pfal. 118. All Ways I Ook to bear down my Corruptions, prov'd 11, 12. of no Avail; För fin reviv'd and I died, yea, taking Rom. 7: occafion by the commandment, it flew me.

9, II. 24/y, By the Extremity of this Anguifh I was for fometime about the Clofe of 1697, and Beginning of 1698, dreadfully caft down. I was weary of my Life. Oft did I afe Job's Words, I loath it, I would not live Job 7. 16: alway. And yet I was afraid to dye: I had no Reft, my Pfal.77. z. fore run in the night, and it ceafed not in the Day. Deut. 28. At Night I wifhed for Day: And in the Day, I with'd. 66, 67: for Night, I faid, My couch shall comfort me. But Job 7. 13. then Darknefs was as the shadow of death. When I Job 10.

was in this Cafe, I was oft brought to the Brink of 21. Defpair. He filled me with Bitternefs, he made me

bring mine affliction, a

drunk with Wormwood. He broke all my teeth with Lam.3.16, gravel-ftones; he covered me with afbes. He removed my 16, 17,18, foul far from peace: I forgat profperity. And I faid, My 19, 20 Strength and my hope is perished from the LORD, remem my mifery, the wormwood and the gall. My foul had them ftill in remembrance, and was bowed in me. Now I was made to think it a Wonder, that I was not confumed, and though I dreaded Deftruction from the Almighty, yet I could not but juftify him, if he had deftroyed me: Righteous is the LORD, Lam. t. fot I have rebelled. I was made to fear that the LORD 18. would make me a Magor-miẞabib, a terror to my felf, and Jerzo.44

E