before unthought of Difcovery of the LORD: This Pro. 4: 8. was as the fhining Light Shining more and more to a perfect Day. 2. All this Time my Mind was wholly almoft Phil.3.20. taken up about fpiritual Things; my Conversation was in Heaven; I faw those with whom I converfed turn every Thing (even what was not only innocently, but pioufly faid and meant) into obscene Senfes: Whereas now, whatever occurr'd in Reading, in Meditation, in Converfe, in daily Obfervation, was by my Mind, and to it fpiritualiz'd: I reflected with Wonder on this Difference, and oft, during this While, was made to look on the Mind as a Mould that cafts whatever is brought into it Tit. 1:15. into its own Shape: To the pure all Things are pure, but to them that are defiled, and unbelieving, is nothing pure; but even their Mind and Confcience is defiled. 3. Hereon Neh.8.1c. I was not only joyful, but I found the Joy of the LORD my Strength; for all this while I was carried out to extraordinary Pleasure and Diligence in Duty: It was not now as formerly, a Burden to go to Duty: But I rePfal. 123. joiced when they faid to me,Let us go to the House of GOD. And my Soul anfwered, I will go to God my chief Joy, Pfal. 57.2. to God that performeth all Things for me: My Heart was Pfal. 119. enlarged, and I run in the Way of God's Commandments 32. with Delight: Willingly I engaged in Duty; and when I was engaged in it, my Soul oft made me like the Chariots of Ammi-nadib,and I was not eafily ftopp'd; and failled fometimes as to the juft Bounds, whereby others that felt not that juft ravishing Sweetness I enjoyed, were fometimes difgufted, though fome were not; for fo near as I can reckon, it was about this Time that the LORD began to commend himself and his Worship to Lady Anne Elcho, which made her at Death blefs the LORD for Family Worship. 4. The LORD daily inftructed me all this Luke 24. While out of the Scriptures, and my Heart burned with32, in me while he talked and walked with me by the Way, and opened the Scriptures, which before were as a fealed Book, wherein whatever I read was dark; even that whereof I had fome Notion: I was ready to fay of it, Ifai. 9.11, I cannot read it, for 'tis fealed: The Defign and Intent, I. Song 6. Myftery was hid from me; and the reft of it I was forc'd to fay, I know nothing of it, because I was not learned. Again, 5. Mine enemies received a ftunning Stroke, Stroke, and all of a Sudden by the Appearance of the Sun, thefe frightful Things that difturbed me in the Dark, difappeared: He graciously for a Time reftrained them, and bore down Corruption, chain'd up Satan, and kept me from any Difturbance by thefe Enemies; with whom I have before had, and fince likewise many fad Wrestlings: At the Brightness that was before him, his thick Clouds paffed. When the LORD arofe, his Ene- 12, 14. mies were fcattered. Yea, he fent out his Arrows and feattered them; and he foot out Lightnings and difcomfited verse 17: them Thus he delivered me from my strong Enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me. Pfal. 18. 30. Phil. 3.33 6. Which was the Life of all the former, the LORD by, Job 42. 6. keeping his Glory continually in mine Eye, kept all this (Num. 13. While more humble and felf-denied than ever, feeing 33. him, I loathed and detefted Self: Beholding his Glory, Ifai. 40. I was in mine own Eyes as a Grafhopper, as nothing, lefs 22, 17. than Vanity and nothing, and gloried only in the LORD, 1 Cor. 1. rejoiced in Christ Jefus, and had no Confidence in the Flefb. 5ly, The LORD had many gracious Defigns in this, Job 5. 18. which I was ignorant of then, as what I thall fpeedily Pfal. 147. narrate will fhew; but the LORD has in fome Mea- 3. fure fince taught me, fome of which I fhall here narrate. r. Luke ro. I was fore broken and wounded before, and the Lord did 34. this in Tenderness-He bound up my Wounds. He pour-Plal. 41.3. ed in Oil, he made a Bed in my Sickness. He watched me, If. 40. 11. and kept me from Difturbance, till I was fomewhat Pfal. 77. ftrengthned. 2. I had been plunged into grievous and 8, 9. hard Thoughts of him, as one who had in Anger fhut up Lam. 3. his tender Mercies, and forgotten to be gracious; and I was 17. not eafily induc'd to believe good Tidings, for I had Job 9. 16. forgot Profperity; and though it was told me, I could not believe, partly for Joy, and partly for Fear, till I got a clear Sight of the Wagons and Provifions, and then my Spirit revived; and the LORD fatisfied me in deep Condefcenfion, that he was real, and in earneft, and had no Pleafure in my Death, and that the Wound was not incur- 18. able, that it was not the Wound of an Enemy,or the Stroke Jer. 30. of a cruel one, but the Wound of a Friend, in order to 14, 17. healing. 3. He was now to make me fell all for the,Mat. 13. Pearl: And like a fair Merchant that means not to cheat, 45, 46. he Gen. 45. 27. Exek. 18, 32.33.11. Jer. 15. Acts 27. 20. 2 Cor. 11. 25. 37. he let me fee both what I was to leave, and what I was to choose, that I might be fatisfied I had made a good Bargain: And though many a Day I have feen neither Sun nor Moon, nor Star fince, and have been in the deep Day and Night; yet fo far did this go, that I durft never once in With retract my Choice. 4. He knew What a Wildernels I was to go through, and therefore led me not into that long and weary Journey till he had made me eat once and again, as he did by Elijah, S: The LORD did not at first plunge me into War, left I fhould have repented niy Engagement: And it come to Exod. 13. pass when Pharaoh had let the peoplego, that GOD led them not through the way of the Land of the Philistines, although that was near; for GOD faid, Left per adventure the people repent when they fee War, and they return to Egypt. 6. The LORD hereby undeceived me as to my hard Thoughts of his Way, and reproved me for them; oft was I put to fay, LORD, I was as a Beaft, and how brutish was I to think, That Spirituality was a Burden, and that it was impoflible to be one Day fo to an End, without Weariness! Thus he let me fee, That I uttered what I understood not; and tho' once I had fo fpoken, yet now I durft not proceed: For I faw what with Men is impoffible, with GOD is poffible and eafie, who can change the Heart, and then the Thoughts change. Pro. 21.1. Finally, The LORD defign'd to give me fomething that Din.4.16 might in all After-trials be ftaying; and oft has the Pl. 77, 10. Remembrance of this been fweet when present Sense fail'd I called to Mind the Years of the right Hand of the most High, and was fupported by it. Pfal. 73. 22. Job 42.3. 4c. 4, 5. Mat: 19: 26. Mat. zz. 33. 4. Pfal. 30% 4 6ly, But alas, I underftood not this, and by my Ignorance I was caft into fad Miftakes. 1. I fancied this Mat. 17. World would laft alway; 1 ravingly talk'd of Tabernacles with the Difciples on the Mount; I knew not that I was to come down again, and that my deareft LORD was to depart from me again: In my Profperity Ifaid, My Mountain ftands ftrong by thy Favour, and I fball never be moved. 2. I dream'd no more of fighting with Corruptions; but thought that the Enemies that appeared not, were dead, and that the Egyptians were all drowned in the Sea, and that I fhould never learn, nor have Occafion for learning War. 3. I projected to ty 6,7. Exod. 14, 13. Faí. 2. 4. my my felf up to fuch a Bent, and ftint my self to fuch a Course of Walking, as neither our Circumftances, Temptations, nor our Duty in this World allows of the Hereon I remember, I could not endure to read these Books which were really proper and neceffary to be read, Lew and all Time imployed in them I reckoned on as loft: OR This was the old legal Temper beginning to work again, and fecretly inclining to feek Righteoufnefs, not directly Rom. 9. as before, but as it were by the works of the law; and 32. aiming to entangle me in a Yoke of Bondage: Yea I began to grudge and be challenged about the Time spent in neceffary Refreshment of the Body by Meat and Sleep, and endeavoured to abridge my felf. The Devil fecretly drove from one Extremne to another, and he knew full well that I would not hold here, and that he would easily get me caft into another Extreme, to affume a Latitude beyond what was due. Thus I was well Col.2.23. nigh intangled into that Yoke of Bondage which the, LORD had fo lately broke; and deceived into a voluntary Humility and Mortification, being vainly puffed up Col.z. 18. to it by my flebly mind. 4. I began to reckon upon Enlargement and Succefs in Duty, as what was not only my due, but what I fhould alway have, and that it was more mine own than really it was: I began to fpeak of it with Delight like the Difciples, I faid, Lord, even Luke 10. the devils are fubject to us. 5. I look'd upon this Stock 17, 20. of Grace I had gotten, as what would be fufficient to lf. 40. 31. carry me through all my Difficulties; and faw not that 2 Cor. 12. the Grace that was fufficient, was yet in the LORD's 9. Hand. 2. He for Pfal.3c.-7. 7ly, But now the LORD quickly undeceived me, 1. After a little he began to hide himself. gave me 2 Cor. 12. a thorn in the flesh to humble me: My Corruptions began 7. to ftir again, and,like Giants refresh'd by Wine,to make furious Affaults. 3. A meffenger of Satan was lent to buffet Ibid. me, and I began to feel the Fury of his Temptations. 8ly, Hereon I was caft into great Perplexity. 1. I fell into deep Sorrow; Thou didst hide thy face and I was Pfal.30.7. troubled. 2. I began to question the Truth of former. Manifeftations, and to fay with the Difciples, We thought Luke 24. it had been he that should have redeemed Ifrael. Again, 21. 3. I began to doubt of my Through-bearance,and to fay, One I. i Sam.27. One day I hall perish by the Hand of Saul. And, 4. I be gan to quarrel fecretly with the LORD as if he had Exod. 5. beguiled me, and to fay, Why haft thou not delivered 12, 23.0 me? Why is my Bondage increas'd fince thou began to appear for my Deliverance? Ibid. gly, Under this Cafe I tried all Means, but run oft Pfal.77.3. to wrong Ways. 1. I complain'd, and then my Soul was overwhelmed. Again, 2. I thought upon God; but not finding the Discoveries as before, I was troubled. Pfal.77.6, 3. 1 enquired into the Causes of this; Wherefore bideft 7, &c. thou thy face? Why art thou fo far from helping? But here Jer.15.18. oft my Spirit began to go too far, and even to fay, Wilt thou be alway as a liar, and as waters that fail? And then I took my felf and was funk deeper for my Wickedness in chiding with GOD. 4. I effay'd to shake my self, Judg. 16. and to go to Duty as before: I wift not the LORD was departed, that my Locks were cut, and that the Enemy that lay in my Bofom had discovered my Strength, and between me and it. 20. S. 4. got Ioly, I was hereon melancholly exceedingly, and fo much the more, that now I remembred all my goodly Lam. 1.7. pleafant Things I enjoy'd before I fell into the enemie's band: But yet when after the Violence of any Conflict I recovered my felf, I could not but fee that Things were better at my worft Cafe, than formerly in my beft. For, 1. The LORD gave frequent Blinks of his Countenance; Cant.2.9. He fhewed himself at the windows, and flourish'd at the latteßes, and fometime put in his finger by the hole of the door, and spoke kindly; and my bowels were moved for him. 2. He frequently let me fee fomewhat of his power and glory in the fanctuary, opened a Scripture and made my heart burn, or unfolded my Cafe and told me all that was in my heart, or let me fee the End of Enemies.3. Sometimes he allowed me access to him, and made me Rom. 5. 2. come even to his feat,and pour out my foul to him. 4. When Job 23.3. (I was at my loweft, I ftood otherwise affected to Chrift Pfal.62.8. than before: Though I could not run after him, yet 1 Pfal.84.2. unwillingly ftay'daway: My foul longed after him: When Pf. 10. 2. wilt thou come? I frequently breathed for Drawings, Draw me, and I will run after thee; fometimes I effayed to ftretch out the withered Hand, and wifhed for the Command that would impower me to lay Hold on him; I Pfal. 63. 2, 3. Luke 24. 32. Cant. 1.4. |